Fear? Is that the main reason single people don’t go to church?
I have often wondered why people say 50% of the people are single but you don’t find them in church. Married people will tell you to go to church to find a good man or a good woman. That statement in itself may be the problem. We think good people are in church and we aren’t good enough for them.
Why Singles avoid church?
What is stopping single people from attending church regularly? Fear may be the biggest contributing factor. Fear of being rejected by the people in the church, fear of not fitting in, fear of making married people uncomfortable.
That last one may sound odd, but more and more that seems to be the reality. Single men are not at church to take your wife. Single women are not at church to take your husband. Single women tell me over and over they are looking for a man to lead and single men are looking for a woman that will respect them. I am not seeing either of those attributes from the married men and women at the church, so why would we want what you have? We see how married people treat each other at church, where they are supposedly on their best behavior and we really aren’t seeing very many shining examples of what marriage should be.
Single people are coming to church because we are feeling the need to connect with God and in a lot of cases, get our lives where they need to be with God. Church is supposed to be family, so naturally we would go to family in those times but it sure doesn’t seem like family for most singles. Once we are in a relationship and come to church everyone is friendly and welcoming to us. But when we are alone, when we need to feel secure some place, most of us feel like we are the lepers that came to church. Yes, singles avoid church.
The church is failing most, single people. They say we are flaky, we come in and sit at the back and leave early without talking to anyone, this is true. In a lot of cases, we are hurting people trying to find a place to feel safe and be part of something. Yes, you could put the blame on us, but as a church we need to embrace single people and teach them before they go out and get into another relationship. We have premarital classes for them, marriage classes once they are married and recovery classes if they chose wrong but what about teaching them before these steps? Maybe we could slow down the horrendous divorce rate.
Maybe, the craziest part of how church people treat others is when we are married, part of the church, involved in the church and feel like we are family and then life happens are we are single again. What once felt like a family we were a part of now shuns us because we are single.
My best friend past away a couple of years ago. He and his family were very involved with their church and loved being there. His widow, who is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, posted on Facebook that she had found a new church to call home because the people that were her husbands friends walked past her like they didn’t know her. God calls us all to take care of widows, not shun them because they are now considered single.
Single people need to join together and come to church to seek the purpose God has for their lives. It may be up to us to change the church into a welcoming place for us. By showing who we are maybe we can change the stigma of how we are perceived.
I am also calling on the churches to embrace single people for the hurting, wounded people a lot of us are. Jesus says, where 2 or 3 are gathered I am there also. Don’t make us go it alone.
About Tim Turney
Who am I, a sinner, a saint, or both? Yes, I would say so. I am both at various times. I am not a Minister, Preacher, Pastor or whatever other title you might want to apply to it. I am simply a man that gave up.
I gave up because I didn’t want to ever go through the experience I had been through again, ever. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I had been making for years. I didn’t want to be the cause of anyone else hurting because of my mistakes.
Giving up can mean a lot of things to a single person, giving up on dating, on men, on women, on life in general, becoming hard hearted and guarded not allowing anyone in that could cause us pain anymore.
The kind of giving up I am talking about is control. I was in complete control of my life when things unraveled and I became alone again. I wasn’t relying on God for any of the decisions I was making, all of my actions were my own.
I am sure it doesn’t make sense that I would give up during one of the roughest times of my life but that is exactly what God was telling me to do. The idea went completely against every thought and emotion I had at the time. Giving up was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to fix the hurt, fix the situation, fix whatever I could so all of it would go away and life could be normal again. But giving up was the answer and I fought Him every step of the way.
I had grown so use to making snap decisions about business and any other thing that if felt I was in complete control of my life and I didn’t want to let go. Little did I know what I perceived to be control was just chaos in disguise. What looked to be a normal life like everyone else was an illusion of my own creation.
Mathew 11:29-30 –NIV- Jesus says “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Jesus said His burden is light. I made it hard, He didn’t. I was the one making my life difficult trying to make everything fit into this perfect little box called life. I chased everything in this world I could get my hands on. Money was my idol and preferred thing to run after, for what? It never brought me peace.
All my lust, greed, envy, jealousy, hate, anger, selfishness, pride and control ever created, was a life not worthy of Him. He created everything, why in the world would I think I would be able to create a perfect life for myself outside of His instruction and will. I couldn’t do it. All those things brought me was a broken, hardened heart.
I gave up. I gave up trying to find the perfect woman. I gave up trying to create a life that keeps up with the Joneses. I gave up trying to be something other than what He created me for.
My prayer is for you to give up also. It’s not quitting on life, far from it, it’s the most peaceful thing you can do. Does it seem strange to give up your control? Absolutely, but He has bigger plans for you than you could ever imagine on your own. It gives you a sense of purpose for your life, direction and plans worth pursuing.
He created it all why not give up trying to chase after small bits and pieces of something when He wants to give you so much more.
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Timothy 4:1-2-NIV- The spirit clearly says that in later time some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.
This type of teaching has been going on for the last 50 or 60 years. The area I am speaking of is when the term women use by saying they are strong, independent women. If you look at the term you may think there is nothing wrong with it but where did it come from?
In the 60’s feminist started shouting that they didn’t need a man because they were strong, independent women. They started making demands of equality and independence and have continued to this day.
During that time men were falling away from being the leaders of the family God told them to be. The combination of these two things has created a great divide between men and women.
So what is the problem with the term or what is wrong with a woman being strong and independent? Being independent is the problem.
1 Corinthians 11:11-12 –NIV- In the Lord, however, a woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as a woman came from a man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.
Society has taken this term and made women independent of God. Women need to be strong but we, men and women, have to be dependent on God first. We are not separate, like the verse says, woman from man, man from woman, both from God.
Over the generations since, the constant shouting has become the norm. Generations of children were born not knowing the term was wrong. So, consequently when they hear the term they believe it to be true and it becomes part of society.
The results of this incorrect teaching is generations of women who believe they don’t need a man, they don’t have to listen to a man, respect a man or be submissive to a man. (Yes, I said the horrible submissive word, but that’s another blog post.) We have a divorce rate that is completely out of control, both in and out of the church. It goes completely against how God designed men and women to be.
Mark 10:8-9-NIV- For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one.
That verse alone tells us we can’t be independent of each other. The two become one flesh and they are no longer two, but one. Marriages can’t survive when you have one or the other trying to be independent of the other. We were designed to be together, not independent of each other.
How do we change it? We both have to get back into the Bible. Men have to step back up to be the leaders God intended men to be. Women have to get into the Bible and learn to be God-fearing women.
Satan will continue to try to deceive us with things of the world. We have to learn what the Bible says to fight what society is telling us is right, not only for ourselves but also for the next generations.
Women have lists they go by for the things they are looking for in a man. The list supposedly makes up all the criteria needed to be able to find Mr. Right. Christian women have Biblical characteristics they include in their lists to help narrow down the field to find the Christian Mr. Right.
The problem for Christian women is they have all of the characteristics correct on the list except the most important ones. The important characteristics they either leave off or they look right past it in Mr. Right.
We are all, men and women, to strive to be like Jesus, we aren’t perfect like him but we are to try. Jesus said in Mathew 11:29 I am humble and gentle in heart. Humble, the one characteristic women in the world see as a weakness. The one characteristic that keeps them from seeing Mr. Right when he walks past them and sometimes even when he has a face to face conversation with them.
The Israelites were looking for a messiah that was going to come in to be a conquering King. Riding in on a white horse with a powerful army to destroy the Roman army and reign as the King. I’m sure they were looking at him as bold, powerful, courageous, ultimate leadership qualities and everything Hollywood tells them a man like that should be. But that’s not who Jesus was.
Jesus was humble and gentle. Yes, He would turn over tables when necessary but He was all about love. He came to serve not to be served. He washed His disciple’s feet. This is what Mr. Right should look like not the Hollywood version.
So, who is this elusive Mr. Right and how do you know when you see him?
The sad part about this is, you probably have already seen him, talked to him face to face and may even be friends with him now. Because he doesn’t fit any woman’s list of what he should look like or what he should be.
Let’s start off with what he is not. Bold, brash, arrogant, conceded, cocky, self-centered. He doesn’t brag about what he kind of car he drives, his house, his plans, his goals, his dreams, pretty much anything about himself. He doesn’t put himself in the spotlight.
So, who is he? He is the guy who is confident but may appear shy. He is friendly and helpful and of course nice. The most important thing to him is God, not worldly things. He lives in this world but is not of this world, so materialistic things don’t matter as much to him. He is concerned with what is on the inside. He may meet you and even be attracted to you but won’t immediately ask you out. He will get to know you first, in this way he will know if you are a woman he would want to spend time with and ultimately give his heart to. If he sees things in your character that don’t fit Biblically to what he is looking for, for example, if you are more worldly than God-fearing, he won’t ask you out. This is the way he stays hidden from view because he doesn’t stand out in a crowd. He may have money, a nice car, a nice house, goals, dreams, plans and other things but you wouldn’t know because he doesn’t talk about them because he knows all of those things are God’s will. He may have everything on your list but is humble so you don’t recognize it. Most importantly he does know how to treat a woman, what God expects of him as a husband and father, and strives to be the leader and man God calls him to be.
So ladies, the next time you meet a man who is humble and you want to write him off as weak. Keep in mind Jesus said He is humble and gentle in heart and you may be passing by Mr. Right.
This first blog post is to give you some background on the journey I have been on to come to starting achurchforsingles.com. My prayer, hope and objective is to shine the light of Jesus on the very, dark world of dating.
During this process, I want to shine the light on a lot of subjects no one is talking about or no one wants to talk about. We live in a very, messed up world, it’s time to change it.
I started my journey in the single world 5 years ago, 3 of those years I couldn’t and wouldn’t date due to a custody battle. The last 2 years, I have been able to date and have dated some but it has been a very, shocking experience. Dating has changed so much since I was last in the dating world 20 years ago and it didn’t change for the better, not that the way we did it back then was good.
The thing about dating now that caught my attention was the phone calls and text messages from women. 20 years ago, women didn’t call a man and after going on a first date with a woman, the man didn’t call her for a couple of days. At the time it didn’t seem strange and I didn’t question where the rule came from, I just went with it.
Now, the woman I went out with called me before I got home that night, text me the next morning and generally just took over the direction and speed in which the relationship evolved.
I know, people told me to lighten up, that’s just the way it is, go with it, but that didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to know where these rules came from, why they changed and was it right.
During the 3 years, I couldn’t date, I spent my time with my head stuck in the Bible trying to learn to be the man God wanted me to be and to make sure I was doing everything I could so I never had to go through another divorce. When I stepped into the dating world I felt like I was stepping away from God and into Satan’s domain.
This left me with a choice, I could learn the rules of the dating world or stay on the side of God and shine the light of Jesus on the dark world of dating that is controlled by Satan. I chose to be a light to show the world what is going on with the dating world and be the change that is needed.
Mathew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven.”
I pray for each and every single person in the world that this website can be a light of hope for them to see who the one true God is and see the ways of the dating world for what they are.
In my previous blog, I wrote about the feminist movement and how women basically decided they weren’t going to put up with men treating them the way they were being treated. They became strong and independent in raising their children by themselves.
I was a kid during this shift in the pendulum from men being in control and doing pretty much whatever they wanted to do. I remember hearing people talk about men leaving their wives and children for another woman or just leaving all together just because they could. Definitely not being the leaders God called them to be.
At the beginning of the swing, I am sure some men were angry and confused by the change in the women that was occurring. Women were no longer going to tolerate men’s behavior and decided they didn’t need them.
With that shift of the women getting stronger, it carried over into the way they were raising their children. As time went on it became the norm for women to be strong and independent. Men seemed to conform to this new way of women being stronger.
The problem with this is the pendulum didn’t stop in the middle where men and women are equal and became teammates in life and one flesh the way God instructs us to be. No, the pendulum kept moving to the other side. Now women are in the role men held in the 60’s and 70’s and it’s not any better than it was back then, the roles are just reversed.
The main thing I hear from women over and over, is men need to step up and lead. Sounds good, but the part they are leaving out is they want them to lead the way they want them to not the way God instructs them to. Yes, there are some women who read the Bible and know what it says about how men are supposed to lead their wives and love their wives, but they really can’t tell you what the Bible says they are supposed to be doing. As long as the man is doing his part they don’t have to. An example of this just tells one of them they are supposed to submit and the fight is on.
Women tell me they want men to lead and when I asked, where they get their information about men or learn about men, they tell me they get their information from Cosmo. Really, you are getting your information from a magazine or from other women on how things are supposed to work with men and women? And how is that going to help a man lead you?
You may wonder how I know the pendulum has shifted the other way and is now at its peak and shifting back. Instead of men leaving their wives and children, it’s women leaving their husbands and children. Yes, mothers are leaving their children to be with other men.
Men actually are stepping up, just not the way women want them to. Another example is men fighting for custody of their children and winning. Several years ago you wouldn’t have heard of a Father getting full custody of his children in court over the Mother, just didn’t happen, children needed their Mother the courts would say, but the fathers are winning full custody.
I know this personally. I endured the 2-year custody battle, walked a fine line, didn’t go on any dates, did whatever I had to do to get custody of my son and I did. She pays me child support, which was not something I was wanting, I would have paid her just to have my son, but that was unheard of a few years ago.
Some men are stepping up and being the leader God wants them to be, it’s just not the way women are wanting. Men are actually going fishing, hunting, working on cars or just playing in general rather than tolerate women’s behavior and decided they don’t need them. I have spoken to several angry, confused women that don’t understand what is going on with men. Sound familiar?
As Christian’s, we have to be aware of this shift and make sure it stops in the middle, balanced the way God intended it to be from the beginning. Both together as one flesh.
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