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Why Singles avoid church?

Why Singles avoid church?

Fear? Is that the main reason single people don’t go to church?

I have often wondered why people say 50% of the people are single but you don’t find them in church. Married people will tell you to go to church to find a good man or a good woman. That statement in itself may be the problem. We think good people are in church and we aren’t good enough for them.

Why Singles avoid church?

What is stopping single people from attending church regularly? Fear may be the biggest contributing factor. Fear of being rejected by the people in the church, fear of not fitting in, fear of making married people uncomfortable.

That last one may sound odd, but more and more that seems to be the reality. Single men are not at church to take your wife. Single women are not at church to take your husband. Single women tell me over and over they are looking for a man to lead and single men are looking for a woman that will respect them. I am not seeing either of those attributes from the married men and women at the church, so why would we want what you have? We see how married people treat each other at church, where they are supposedly on their best behavior and we really aren’t seeing very many shining examples of what marriage should be.

Single people are coming to church because we are feeling the need to connect with God and in a lot of cases, get our lives where they need to be with God. Church is supposed to be family, so naturally we would go to family in those times but it sure doesn’t seem like family for most singles. Once we are in a relationship and come to church everyone is friendly and welcoming to us. But when we are alone, when we need to feel secure some place, most of us feel like we are the lepers that came to church. Yes, singles avoid church.

The church is failing most, single people. They say we are flaky, we come in and sit at the back and leave early without talking to anyone, this is true. In a lot of cases, we are hurting people trying to find a place to feel safe and be part of something. Yes, you could put the blame on us, but as a church we need to embrace single people and teach them before they go out and get into another relationship. We have premarital classes for them, marriage classes once they are married and recovery classes if they chose wrong but what about teaching them before these steps? Maybe we could slow down the horrendous divorce rate.

Maybe, the craziest part of how church people treat others is when we are married, part of the church, involved in the church and feel like we are family and then life happens are we are single again. What once felt like a family we were a part of now shuns us because we are single.

My best friend past away a couple of years ago. He and his family were very involved with their church and loved being there. His widow, who is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, posted on Facebook that she had found a new church to call home because the people that were her husbands friends walked past her like they didn’t know her. God calls us all to take care of widows, not shun them because they are now considered single.

Single people need to join together and come to church to seek the purpose God has for their lives. It may be up to us to change the church into a welcoming place for us. By showing who we are maybe we can change the stigma of how we are perceived.

I am also calling on the churches to embrace single people for the hurting, wounded people a lot of us are. Jesus says, where 2 or 3 are gathered I am there also. Don’t make us go it alone.

About Tim Turney

I Gave Up

I Gave Up

Who am I, a sinner, a saint, or both? Yes, I would say so. I am both at various times. I am not a Minister, Preacher, Pastor or whatever other title you might want to apply to it. I am simply a man that gave up.
I gave up because I didn’t want to ever go through the experience I had been through again, ever. I didn’t want to make the same mistakes I had been making for years. I didn’t want to be the cause of anyone else hurting because of my mistakes.

Giving up can mean a lot of things to a single person, giving up on dating, on men, on women, on life in general, becoming hard hearted and guarded not allowing anyone in that could cause us pain anymore.

The kind of giving up I am talking about is control. I was in complete control of my life when things unraveled and I became alone again. I wasn’t relying on God for any of the decisions I was making, all of my actions were my own.
I am sure it doesn’t make sense that I would give up during one of the roughest times of my life but that is exactly what God was telling me to do. The idea went completely against every thought and emotion I had at the time. Giving up was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to fix the hurt, fix the situation, fix whatever I could so all of it would go away and life could be normal again. But giving up was the answer and I fought Him every step of the way.
I had grown so use to making snap decisions about business and any other thing that if felt I was in complete control of my life and I didn’t want to let go. Little did I know what I perceived to be control was just chaos in disguise. What looked to be a normal life like everyone else was an illusion of my own creation.

Mathew 11:29-30 –NIV- Jesus says “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Jesus said His burden is light. I made it hard, He didn’t. I was the one making my life difficult trying to make everything fit into this perfect little box called life. I chased everything in this world I could get my hands on. Money was my idol and preferred thing to run after, for what? It never brought me peace.

All my lust, greed, envy, jealousy, hate, anger, selfishness, pride and control ever created, was a life not worthy of Him. He created everything, why in the world would I think I would be able to create a perfect life for myself outside of His instruction and will. I couldn’t do it. All those things brought me was a broken, hardened heart.
I gave up. I gave up trying to find the perfect woman. I gave up trying to create a life that keeps up with the Joneses. I gave up trying to be something other than what He created me for.

My prayer is for you to give up also. It’s not quitting on life, far from it, it’s the most peaceful thing you can do. Does it seem strange to give up your control? Absolutely, but He has bigger plans for you than you could ever imagine on your own. It gives you a sense of purpose for your life, direction and plans worth pursuing.

He created it all why not give up trying to chase after small bits and pieces of something when He wants to give you so much more.

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Mr. Right is hiding in plain sight

Mr. Right is hiding in plain sight

Women have lists they go by for the things they are looking for in a man. The list supposedly makes up all the criteria needed to be able to find Mr. Right. Christian women have Biblical characteristics they include in their lists to help narrow down the field to find the Christian Mr. Right.

The problem for Christian women is they have all of the characteristics correct on the list except the most important ones. The important characteristics they either leave off or they look right past it in Mr. Right.

We are all, men and women, to strive to be like Jesus, we aren’t perfect like him but we are to try. Jesus said in Mathew 11:29 I am humble and gentle in heart. Humble, the one characteristic women in the world see as a weakness. The one characteristic that keeps them from seeing Mr. Right when he walks past them and sometimes even when he has a face to face conversation with them.

The Israelites were looking for a messiah that was going to come in to be a conquering King. Riding in on a white horse with a powerful army to destroy the Roman army and reign as the King. I’m sure they were looking at him as bold, powerful, courageous, ultimate leadership qualities and everything Hollywood tells them a man like that should be. But that’s not who Jesus was.

Jesus was humble and gentle. Yes, He would turn over tables when necessary but He was all about love. He came to serve not to be served. He washed His disciple’s feet. This is what Mr. Right should look like not the Hollywood version.

So, who is this elusive Mr. Right and how do you know when you see him?

The sad part about this is, you probably have already seen him, talked to him face to face and may even be friends with him now. Because he doesn’t fit any woman’s list of what he should look like or what he should be.

Let’s start off with what he is not. Bold, brash, arrogant, conceded, cocky, self-centered. He doesn’t brag about what he kind of car he drives, his house, his plans, his goals, his dreams, pretty much anything about himself. He doesn’t put himself in the spotlight.

So, who is he? He is the guy who is confident but may appear shy. He is friendly and helpful and of course nice. The most important thing to him is God, not worldly things. He lives in this world but is not of this world, so materialistic things don’t matter as much to him. He is concerned with what is on the inside. He may meet you and even be attracted to you but won’t immediately ask you out. He will get to know you first, in this way he will know if you are a woman he would want to spend time with and ultimately give his heart to. If he sees things in your character that don’t fit Biblically to what he is looking for, for example, if you are more worldly than God-fearing, he won’t ask you out. This is the way he stays hidden from view because he doesn’t stand out in a crowd. He may have money, a nice car, a nice house, goals, dreams, plans and other things but you wouldn’t know because he doesn’t talk about them because he knows all of those things are God’s will. He may have everything on your list but is humble so you don’t recognize it. Most importantly he does know how to treat a woman, what God expects of him as a husband and father, and strives to be the leader and man God calls him to be.

So ladies, the next time you meet a man who is humble and you want to write him off as weak. Keep in mind Jesus said He is humble and gentle in heart and you may be passing by Mr. Right.


Why Singles avoid church?

Dating in a bubble

I read an article where the woman was describing dating from her own personal bubble and staying inside to look for the perfect man. She was protected in her bubble from having to show any of her flaws to the perfect person she was looking for by staying in her bubble. From this safety she would pick out the flaws in men and when she saw enough flaws in the men, she would have an excuse to get out of the relationship before her flaws were seen.

Sounds like a lot of single people, especially Christian single people, sounds like me. I spent a lot of time years back going to singles groups, trying to fit in but never really fitting in anywhere. I would look at the men and women in the groups from the safety of my little bubble and think I could never fit in here. All of these people are good Christian people and none of these women would want a man like me.

I looked at my flaws as something no one could or would ever accept, without realizing the people in the groups were no different than me. They were all covered in the blood of Jesus and so was I. I couldn’t see past my own flaws to truly feel and know how much I am loved by Jesus.

Jesus loves me no matter what my past experiences are and for me to have a loving relationship with a woman, I have to realize everyone has flaws and Jesus still loves all of us.

We have to realize we are in a protective bubble of our own making and risk putting our feelings out there for someone else. We have all prayed for God to send us the right person but as long as we are in the bubble, how would we know when He answered that prayer.

Jesus was rejected over and over again, beaten with horrific devices, nailed to a cross and still said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” He still loved them as He was going through all of this pain and heartache. Surely, we can put aside our fear of rejection to take the chance on being loved by someone and showing love to someone.

Jesus loves all of us just as we are. Believe you are worthy of His love and worthy to be loved. With all of your flaws and imperfections you are someone very, special and deeply loved. Love yourself, forgive yourself and let go of all the negative thoughts you have about yourself.

What is your dating story?