Fear? Is that the main reason single people don’t go to church?
I have often wondered why people say 50% of the people are single but you don’t find them in church. Married people will tell you to go to church to find a good man or a good woman. That statement in itself may be the problem. We think good people are in church and we aren’t good enough for them.
Why Singles avoid church?
What is stopping single people from attending church regularly? Fear may be the biggest contributing factor. Fear of being rejected by the people in the church, fear of not fitting in, fear of making married people uncomfortable.
That last one may sound odd, but more and more that seems to be the reality. Single men are not at church to take your wife. Single women are not at church to take your husband. Single women tell me over and over they are looking for a man to lead and single men are looking for a woman that will respect them. I am not seeing either of those attributes from the married men and women at the church, so why would we want what you have? We see how married people treat each other at church, where they are supposedly on their best behavior and we really aren’t seeing very many shining examples of what marriage should be.
Single people are coming to church because we are feeling the need to connect with God and in a lot of cases, get our lives where they need to be with God. Church is supposed to be family, so naturally we would go to family in those times but it sure doesn’t seem like family for most singles. Once we are in a relationship and come to church everyone is friendly and welcoming to us. But when we are alone, when we need to feel secure some place, most of us feel like we are the lepers that came to church. Yes, singles avoid church.
The church is failing most, single people. They say we are flaky, we come in and sit at the back and leave early without talking to anyone, this is true. In a lot of cases, we are hurting people trying to find a place to feel safe and be part of something. Yes, you could put the blame on us, but as a church we need to embrace single people and teach them before they go out and get into another relationship. We have premarital classes for them, marriage classes once they are married and recovery classes if they chose wrong but what about teaching them before these steps? Maybe we could slow down the horrendous divorce rate.
Maybe, the craziest part of how church people treat others is when we are married, part of the church, involved in the church and feel like we are family and then life happens are we are single again. What once felt like a family we were a part of now shuns us because we are single.
My best friend past away a couple of years ago. He and his family were very involved with their church and loved being there. His widow, who is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, posted on Facebook that she had found a new church to call home because the people that were her husbands friends walked past her like they didn’t know her. God calls us all to take care of widows, not shun them because they are now considered single.
Single people need to join together and come to church to seek the purpose God has for their lives. It may be up to us to change the church into a welcoming place for us. By showing who we are maybe we can change the stigma of how we are perceived.
I am also calling on the churches to embrace single people for the hurting, wounded people a lot of us are. Jesus says, where 2 or 3 are gathered I am there also. Don’t make us go it alone.
About Tim Turney
Women have lists they go by for the things they are looking for in a man. The list supposedly makes up all the criteria needed to be able to find Mr. Right. Christian women have Biblical characteristics they include in their lists to help narrow down the field to find the Christian Mr. Right.
The problem for Christian women is they have all of the characteristics correct on the list except the most important ones. The important characteristics they either leave off or they look right past it in Mr. Right.
We are all, men and women, to strive to be like Jesus, we aren’t perfect like him but we are to try. Jesus said in Mathew 11:29 I am humble and gentle in heart. Humble, the one characteristic women in the world see as a weakness. The one characteristic that keeps them from seeing Mr. Right when he walks past them and sometimes even when he has a face to face conversation with them.
The Israelites were looking for a messiah that was going to come in to be a conquering King. Riding in on a white horse with a powerful army to destroy the Roman army and reign as the King. I’m sure they were looking at him as bold, powerful, courageous, ultimate leadership qualities and everything Hollywood tells them a man like that should be. But that’s not who Jesus was.
Jesus was humble and gentle. Yes, He would turn over tables when necessary but He was all about love. He came to serve not to be served. He washed His disciple’s feet. This is what Mr. Right should look like not the Hollywood version.
So, who is this elusive Mr. Right and how do you know when you see him?
The sad part about this is, you probably have already seen him, talked to him face to face and may even be friends with him now. Because he doesn’t fit any woman’s list of what he should look like or what he should be.
Let’s start off with what he is not. Bold, brash, arrogant, conceded, cocky, self-centered. He doesn’t brag about what he kind of car he drives, his house, his plans, his goals, his dreams, pretty much anything about himself. He doesn’t put himself in the spotlight.
So, who is he? He is the guy who is confident but may appear shy. He is friendly and helpful and of course nice. The most important thing to him is God, not worldly things. He lives in this world but is not of this world, so materialistic things don’t matter as much to him. He is concerned with what is on the inside. He may meet you and even be attracted to you but won’t immediately ask you out. He will get to know you first, in this way he will know if you are a woman he would want to spend time with and ultimately give his heart to. If he sees things in your character that don’t fit Biblically to what he is looking for, for example, if you are more worldly than God-fearing, he won’t ask you out. This is the way he stays hidden from view because he doesn’t stand out in a crowd. He may have money, a nice car, a nice house, goals, dreams, plans and other things but you wouldn’t know because he doesn’t talk about them because he knows all of those things are God’s will. He may have everything on your list but is humble so you don’t recognize it. Most importantly he does know how to treat a woman, what God expects of him as a husband and father, and strives to be the leader and man God calls him to be.
So ladies, the next time you meet a man who is humble and you want to write him off as weak. Keep in mind Jesus said He is humble and gentle in heart and you may be passing by Mr. Right.
I read an article where the woman was describing dating from her own personal bubble and staying inside to look for the perfect man. She was protected in her bubble from having to show any of her flaws to the perfect person she was looking for by staying in her bubble. From this safety she would pick out the flaws in men and when she saw enough flaws in the men, she would have an excuse to get out of the relationship before her flaws were seen.
Sounds like a lot of single people, especially Christian single people, sounds like me. I spent a lot of time years back going to singles groups, trying to fit in but never really fitting in anywhere. I would look at the men and women in the groups from the safety of my little bubble and think I could never fit in here. All of these people are good Christian people and none of these women would want a man like me.
I looked at my flaws as something no one could or would ever accept, without realizing the people in the groups were no different than me. They were all covered in the blood of Jesus and so was I. I couldn’t see past my own flaws to truly feel and know how much I am loved by Jesus.
Jesus loves me no matter what my past experiences are and for me to have a loving relationship with a woman, I have to realize everyone has flaws and Jesus still loves all of us.
We have to realize we are in a protective bubble of our own making and risk putting our feelings out there for someone else. We have all prayed for God to send us the right person but as long as we are in the bubble, how would we know when He answered that prayer.
Jesus was rejected over and over again, beaten with horrific devices, nailed to a cross and still said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” He still loved them as He was going through all of this pain and heartache. Surely, we can put aside our fear of rejection to take the chance on being loved by someone and showing love to someone.
Jesus loves all of us just as we are. Believe you are worthy of His love and worthy to be loved. With all of your flaws and imperfections you are someone very, special and deeply loved. Love yourself, forgive yourself and let go of all the negative thoughts you have about yourself.
What is your dating story?
This first blog post is to give you some background on the journey I have been on to come to starting achurchforsingles.com. My prayer, hope and objective is to shine the light of Jesus on the very, dark world of dating.
During this process, I want to shine the light on a lot of subjects no one is talking about or no one wants to talk about. We live in a very, messed up world, it’s time to change it.
I started my journey in the single world 5 years ago, 3 of those years I couldn’t and wouldn’t date due to a custody battle. The last 2 years, I have been able to date and have dated some but it has been a very, shocking experience. Dating has changed so much since I was last in the dating world 20 years ago and it didn’t change for the better, not that the way we did it back then was good.
The thing about dating now that caught my attention was the phone calls and text messages from women. 20 years ago, women didn’t call a man and after going on a first date with a woman, the man didn’t call her for a couple of days. At the time it didn’t seem strange and I didn’t question where the rule came from, I just went with it.
Now, the woman I went out with called me before I got home that night, text me the next morning and generally just took over the direction and speed in which the relationship evolved.
I know, people told me to lighten up, that’s just the way it is, go with it, but that didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to know where these rules came from, why they changed and was it right.
During the 3 years, I couldn’t date, I spent my time with my head stuck in the Bible trying to learn to be the man God wanted me to be and to make sure I was doing everything I could so I never had to go through another divorce. When I stepped into the dating world I felt like I was stepping away from God and into Satan’s domain.
This left me with a choice, I could learn the rules of the dating world or stay on the side of God and shine the light of Jesus on the dark world of dating that is controlled by Satan. I chose to be a light to show the world what is going on with the dating world and be the change that is needed.
Mathew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven.”
I pray for each and every single person in the world that this website can be a light of hope for them to see who the one true God is and see the ways of the dating world for what they are.
In my previous blog, I wrote about the feminist movement and how women basically decided they weren’t going to put up with men treating them the way they were being treated. They became strong and independent in raising their children by themselves.
I was a kid during this shift in the pendulum from men being in control and doing pretty much whatever they wanted to do. I remember hearing people talk about men leaving their wives and children for another woman or just leaving all together just because they could. Definitely not being the leaders God called them to be.
At the beginning of the swing, I am sure some men were angry and confused by the change in the women that was occurring. Women were no longer going to tolerate men’s behavior and decided they didn’t need them.
With that shift of the women getting stronger, it carried over into the way they were raising their children. As time went on it became the norm for women to be strong and independent. Men seemed to conform to this new way of women being stronger.
The problem with this is the pendulum didn’t stop in the middle where men and women are equal and became teammates in life and one flesh the way God instructs us to be. No, the pendulum kept moving to the other side. Now women are in the role men held in the 60’s and 70’s and it’s not any better than it was back then, the roles are just reversed.
The main thing I hear from women over and over, is men need to step up and lead. Sounds good, but the part they are leaving out is they want them to lead the way they want them to not the way God instructs them to. Yes, there are some women who read the Bible and know what it says about how men are supposed to lead their wives and love their wives, but they really can’t tell you what the Bible says they are supposed to be doing. As long as the man is doing his part they don’t have to. An example of this just tells one of them they are supposed to submit and the fight is on.
Women tell me they want men to lead and when I asked, where they get their information about men or learn about men, they tell me they get their information from Cosmo. Really, you are getting your information from a magazine or from other women on how things are supposed to work with men and women? And how is that going to help a man lead you?
You may wonder how I know the pendulum has shifted the other way and is now at its peak and shifting back. Instead of men leaving their wives and children, it’s women leaving their husbands and children. Yes, mothers are leaving their children to be with other men.
Men actually are stepping up, just not the way women want them to. Another example is men fighting for custody of their children and winning. Several years ago you wouldn’t have heard of a Father getting full custody of his children in court over the Mother, just didn’t happen, children needed their Mother the courts would say, but the fathers are winning full custody.
I know this personally. I endured the 2-year custody battle, walked a fine line, didn’t go on any dates, did whatever I had to do to get custody of my son and I did. She pays me child support, which was not something I was wanting, I would have paid her just to have my son, but that was unheard of a few years ago.
Some men are stepping up and being the leader God wants them to be, it’s just not the way women are wanting. Men are actually going fishing, hunting, working on cars or just playing in general rather than tolerate women’s behavior and decided they don’t need them. I have spoken to several angry, confused women that don’t understand what is going on with men. Sound familiar?
As Christian’s, we have to be aware of this shift and make sure it stops in the middle, balanced the way God intended it to be from the beginning. Both together as one flesh.
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I think the image we have constructed in our heads of what the perfect man would be in this world is very distorted. Women have their version of what this would look like and men have their version, but they are two very different versions.
In the singles scene you have men that really don’t care how they appear to women’s version of the perfect man. They use whatever manipulation they can to accomplish their goal of getting the woman. There are many, many books, videos and courses men can take to learn the art of attracting women. These teaching items are not being used to treat women properly or to build a relationship that resembles anything God intended.
Women have a list they carry around in their head of what they want in a man. How he should look, how he should act, how secure financially he is, what kind of leader he should be and the list goes on and on. They may give you a simple version of what they are looking for and it may line up with what the Bible says a Godly man should be or what one looks like but in their heart they want all of the worldly things along with the Biblical version.
So what does this so-called perfect man women describe look like? Society has built this fantasy version of what he would look like. Tall dark and handsome, riding in on a white horse to save the day with strength and courage. He would be very smart, very wealthy, treat women exactly the way a man should. He would meet every need a woman had in any situation and always have the right words to say. He would drive a really nice car, live in a very big house, have an awesome career, be ambitious, set goals and plans, be the perfect father and of course lead in a manner every woman would want. Women all over the world are waiting and looking for the man that will come in and save the day.
This is an illusion. It is a human viewpoint of what the perfect man would be contrived by people selling magazines, movies, talk shows and whatever other media you can think of. It comes from women talking to each other and fantasizing of what he would look like. It is all deception and man-made, not what God intended. He doesn’t work that way.
If you have read your Bible or go to church you have heard this story before. We are back in the same place the Israelites were thousands of years ago. They were looking for a savior to come and rescue them from the oppressive Roman army. The triumphal savior would have been coming in on a white horse with an army like no one had ever seen and with power and mite he would have conquered the Roman army and saved them. But that’s not what happened.
The savior that arrived was nothing like they envisioned. He came to serve, not to be served. Some accounts I have read said He was an average looking guy. He washed His disciples feet. He was humble and gentle at heart, His words in Mathew 11:29. Nothing about Him looks like the description Hollywood has for what the perfect man would be, but Jesus is the only perfect man to ever walk the earth.
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